Mortal

It is one thing to learn you are not invincible.  Kids feel a certain degree of invincibility from day 1, or maybe day 730, the terrible twos, and young boys feel this to a degree that is beyond scary, for their parents that is.  The first stitches I ever received was in fact when I was two, and the stitches, all to my head, kept coming from there; in my tongue when I was 4, the back of my head at seven, that was literally a bloody mess, and the worst one, at least to date, was the summer I turned 18, for which I got 18 stitches in my head, and a scare that to this day feels tender at times.

I definitely felt invincible when I was young, even after that 2 1/2 story fall from which I managed to land head first, and perhaps even more so.

My freshman year in college, and especially the winter term brought me down to earth a bit, and it was not more stitches, or even an injury of any kind, but being sick.  I, like many college Freshman, got "the kissing disease" at some point late in my fall term and it actually caused me to collapse after a time trial in mid-November.  I had the privilege of spending two weeks in the infirmary and then of being sick over the Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays and that took a great deal out of my invincible spirit, probably aided by having lost a very good friend less than a year before.

Regardless of how much invincible luster I may have lost while in college, I have never felt mortal, as one good friend of mine has said this year, "Rocchio, your problem is that you thought you had forever," and that is definitely what I have been coming down from of late, I definitely thought I had forever until very recently, I do not.

I do not know exactly why I feel this way right now, nor would I want to bore any of you, anymore than i already do, with the details, but I have in fact very suddenly realized that I am quite mortal.  I no longer feel like I have forever, in fact I now feel that my days are very numbered.  It is a claustrophobic feeling, a feeling like I have been buried alive and Ii am struggling for air.  Also, I am left trying to figure out how I can in fact turn the clock back.  I want to be able to do some of the things that as recently as a couple of years ago I could do and could do relatively well.  It was four or five years ago that I was at y absolute fittest, at least from a cycling standpoint, and it was just two years ago, two years and seven months actually, that I was in solid running shape and as strong as I had been in no less than two decades.  Now, all of that is gone and more.

I am slowly working to regain what I have lost.  I am searching, mentally, emotionally, intellectual, and physically for answers.  I am working hard and trying to make better decision along the way.  It may sound crazy to say, but I do not want to feel mortal.  I want to feel invincible again, or at the very least alive.  I am a kid that has always gone a hundred miles an hour at all times in everything I did, and so for that not to be the case I guess it can be said that my spirit is broken, but I will get it back if at all possible, for Little Ant and Uncle Ed, and especially for Nini Rose.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Youth is Wasted On the Young

The old man sits on the porch watching George Bailey bumble and stumble his way through an attempted pass at Mary.  The old man is annoyed, impatient, and grumpy.  He then utters some of the most famous words ever uttered in a movie, "youth i wasted on the young" before he storms inside his house.

I have always loved this movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," for those of you that have not yet caught up, and I have always liked this line, the only problem is that I now find myself on the other side of it.

Another older but goody, "if I only new then what I know now," but that of course is impossible.  I now have a profound sense for what that old man on the porch was feeling.

As I sit here listening to classical music that I often listened to when I was in college, I realize that it is the things I enjoy, that I have always enjoyed, that which I like to do that has been wasted, and youth is not wasted so much as lost.  When was the last time that I road, or ran, or played for two or three hours every day, six days a week?  Too long is the simple answer.

We go from walking, running, riding everywhere, from when playing games and chasing the latest infatuation is all that matters to trying to do what is right, expected, responsible, and some are quite good at it, some even enjoy it, easier perhaps when that comes with house, family, kids and grandkids, but then again harder at the same time.  I don't really know, but I am sure that I don't have answers.

I am certain of a couple of things, and my "friends" occasionally help with some of these harsh realities, it is true that in some way I thought I had forever, or at least I did live life a bit that way.  It is also true that I may not have taken full advantage of some of the opportunities that were in front of me, but then again, I have had experiences, experiences that I will truly never forget, at least as long as I have a memory, and many of the experiences would fall into the once in a lifetime kind, or at least close to it.

My father has always said, among many things, that I "suffer life," and this too is probably true, but I guess the good side of that is that I have most definitely felt life along the way, sometimes as good as humanly possible and sometimes so bad that I wished I could no longer feel, but I have felt it all.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

To Flush or Not to Flush

Men are morons!!  At least no less than 98 % of them are, and I have the proof, flushing a toilet is literally a one step process, actually it is almost a half a step because you only have to push the lever down, it comes back up on its own, but the vast majority of men simply cannot accomplish this simplest of feats.

Now, there are many reasons for this, from shear and utter lack of focus, to the degree one would actually forget to finish the process, to complete lack of manners, or upbringing, or common courtesy, to my all-time favorite, pride of accomplishment.

Yes, I said pride of accomplishment.  There are a great many boys, whom become young men, and/or college students, and then eventually fully grown men, that somehow believe this to be an accomplishment of which they should be proud, so proud as to make want to marvel, pay homage to, gaze upon, and ultimately leave behind their accomplishment for others to witness.

Fellas, you are morons for many more reasons than just this, and so far more unbelievable, but I figured we must start somewhere.  The answer to tonight's question is simple, flush!!  Please.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Lottery

If I were to win the lottery...

This is a chat that I have had with a few friends of late.  I realize that to think about winning the lottery is probably not the most sensible retirement plan, but then again why not.  The reality is, and it may sound strange, but what seems to have me thinking about this most is my desire to help those I care for.  As I realized on my drive Sunday, even ten grand would be a help to most, and thus would be nice to do.

So here is my plan for when I win the lottery:

• My mother would be able to truly retire and would hire people to do everything for her
• My sisters would be very well taken care of, as well as my nieces and nephews, their children
• My dad would only have to keep his title as the Godfather of Alumni Gym if he chose to
• There are friends of mine from the West Coast to the East Coast that would get significant help, commiserate with their needs; Kevin and Ruhl less because they are hugely successful, Mikey and Sal more because they have worked hard enough in their lives, Sage would be covered quite a bit because there are no shortage of people to help him spend his money, and we would not let them know
• All those that have come to call me Uncle Rock would definitely have less to worry about.  These are amazing kids that have been a great part of my life.  They never fail to make me laugh and/or smile, especially when they help me drive their dads crazy!!
• Field turf and a small locker and office building to truly create the lacrosse compound for the Broncos. It would not take much to make this great.

Sage took me through how to set this up so everyone gets their piece of the pie without excessive taxation, so all we have to do now is win.

I realize I did not mention everyone, but you get the point.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Fatherhood

It may very well be true that there is a certain degree of social ineptitude on my part when it comes to those in my age bracket, give or take 20 years, but it has also always been true that old people and kids love me.  The irony there is that with older people I am very patient and very kind, but I also tend to relate to them as kids to a certain extent, where kids, I have always found respond better if I treat them, and speak to them, as grown ups, or as grown up as possible.

When I was in college there was a little boy next door, 3 or 4 years old, that was yelled at, disciplined and almost unwanted when he was home.  Then when I was asked to watch him we would do things together, like cooking, or cleaning.  Simple stuff, and not really intense, but I would speak to him as if he were someone I could count on and give him little tasks to do, and we always enjoyed our time together.

I love kids, and I always have.  Even the work I do with youth kids coaching goes well because the kids from 4 to 14 respond very well.  Teaching skiing was the same way.  I was terrified when I first taught skiing of the prospect of teaching kids, not because of the teaching part, but because of the immense responsibility of having six to eight kids to keep alive for two hours.

After I had been teaching for a few years I began to teach kids, everything from the "never evers" and "half pints" to the higher end semi privates for three to six hours of keeping them entertained, safe, warm, and learning, and not only did my students love it, but so did I.

I do not know that I could do the infant stage, as I still to this do have never changed a diaper, a record I would like not to break, but once they are mobile and starting to be a handful, that is the stuff I know I am good at.  I also don't know about having a girl, as I would be very tempted to lock her in a closet, or shoot anyone that looked at her, or both, but I know that what my friends and family have always said is true, I would in fact make a good father.

Problem is, with as incredibly single as I am, and have been for some time, I doubt that Fatherhood is in my future at this point.  Too bad really.  Fatherhood is something that was always in the plan.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

...Or Is It

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Film at 11:00.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Why Not Write

Too much time spent on others combined with too little care about me.

Trying to focus more on what matters to me, but don't know how.

Need to start writing more often just to eat, sleep, breath.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.