Overload or Overboard

Written tonight to a long time friend and business partner.

It is late and thus this will not make sense and will not be eloquent.

You have accomplished a great deal in your life, most notably three amazing kids, a marriage that as you said the other day makes you happier than most, a home you enjoy, and a business that drives you crazy.  I have accomplished nothing of note to this point in my life, with playing and coaching being the brief exceptions.  I chose to follow in my uncles footsteps and not my dad’s and as it turns out I am my father’s son.  I am not a business man, I am not really a man at all.  I like chick flicks, I cry at touching commercials, and I am too nice, and too caring for most women to tolerate.  I have been successful in business, to an extent, in spite of myself.  I am extremely intelligent, but not very smart (sounds like something you might say about me).  When I get something I get it, and when I have my moments of clarity I can stand toe to toe with any exec on the planet and tell them what I think.  I simply don’t like doing it in the least.

The biggest reason I have been successful at all in business is not my brain, but rather my heart, my soul, my sense of humor.  I use them all to get people to work with me, if not like me.  I am still in touch with most of my ex clients long after they stopped paying me to call them, but even with that these are hollow victories because being in business, being a successful business man, making money and helping others make more are not things that drive me at all.  ... I would not keep talking myself into packing my bags and making my flights.  I flew more last year than I had in forever.  I flew so much I am now a Premier Exec, and was not far from 1K again.  That is too much.  I am old, much older than you, just not in years.  My body is beaten, and my mind, my heart and my soul are almost dead.

The reason I can get people to do things that help us all be successful is because I am a good coach.  The comical part of all of this is that while not putting in anywhere near the time I should have last year I earned coach of the year honors, my third time, and I was a part time co-head coach of a club team.  I never have a doubt when I am coaching what the right thing to do is.  I have doubts in business every day, I just fight through them always going back to what is best ...  You have given me, and continue to give me, a great opportunity to do both.  There is a flexibility here that has worked, but I know I cannot feel like a fake, or a failure, too much longer.  I don’t, and never have, see for me what you do.  If I did then I would have made Damon Enterprises a successful consulting firm a long time ago.

Klem, and Kehoe, and Macey, and Boling, they all belong in those rooms having those conversations.  When I sold the Verizon work I called Kevin Charpentier from the ballroom where the offsite was going to take place to ask him what I was doing there.  Kevin reminded me that I knew what I was doing and that once I started I would be fine, and I was, but it just is not who I am.  Being fat and out of shape is not who I am.  Being single with no one to care for is not who I am, but maybe it is because putting all my extra time into moronic boys playing games is what I do instead of family night.

This past weekend ... I realized that I am mortal, very.  I realized that if I did not start moving again now I never would.  I realized that if I did not take care of my tax thing, at least one little bit at a time, I would go to bed worried every night forever, and so I started.  Every little thing, like cleaning the kitchen, is hard for me.  Paying bills, eating, basic hygiene, are all things I have to remind myself to do, and if it is not for someone else, it just isn’t important.  Unfortunately that is who I was raised to be, and that is a great part of why I let those women "take me for a ride," and that is what I am trying to fix now before it is too late, although to your point, “Rocchio, you know what your problem is? You thought you had forever,” it may already be too late.

OK.  Anyway, we seem to have managed to push to a goal enough to make Panasonic and ID happy.  Whatever it takes to make John’s guys happy we will figure out, but I just had to let you know it is all smoke and mirrors.

I am on a plane at 11:00 AM tomorrow and doing lacrosse stuff through next Friday.  As always I will have my phone and you can call me anytime.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Mind, Body, Heart, Soul

Five foot two, one hundred and twenty five pounds.  Middle linebacker!!  Has to have been the smallest middle linebacker in the history of mankind as a freshman in high school.

Before that it was climb anything I could find, ski things I had no right to ski.  Later it was football, lacrosse, boxing.  Too small, too slow.  Next up it was 200 miles on two wheels in one day.  No idea what I was doing, but it had to be done.

I have always been afraid, but never of a challenge, never of putting my body on the line.  If my life depended on it, or more importantly my sisters' lives, my family, my friends, I would do anything, to this day.  I would buckle up the helmet tomorrow and run someone over, it would probably kill me, or at least leave my body in a  heap, but I would do it.

I am afraid of everything now.  I am afraid of just surviving, being free, not ever doing anything that matters before I die.  I am afraid of dying, for the very first time in my life, before now it was not a possibility.

I need to try and find the guy that not that long ago broke out the "Snow Clown" for thousands of yards at a time, easily, gracefully, powerfully, just to make people smile, and because I could.  I need to find the ability again to throw my body at whatever I want at 100 miles per hour.

This can't really be me!!  I have to be inside this body somewhere!!

Thank you again for getting this far with me.

Run for the Roses

It is now or never, or at least it seems that way.  Time is moving faster and faster and standing still all at the same time.  Life is one big paradox, an oxymoron and a constant contradiction in terms all jumble up in one.  I am definitely lost, but I am making good time.

If there is ever going to be a time to recapture some of who I am, who I was, it better be now.  There simply is no more time.  I went from feeling young, acting young and having fun, to some extent, to feeling old, fat, tired and DONE.

Paint, write, take photos, eat well, exercise, and see what happens.  I think that I have literally been saying "I will start tomorrow" for the last four years.  The last time I exercised was four years ago tomorrow, which is not exactly true, but close.  I went for a long run back from the practice field at the University of Texas at the end of that March, March 2008 I guess, and then started up again in August, injured my knee, and the rest , as they say is history.

I have a job I don't like, at all, but am good at.  I fake it more now than ever in my life, and that has been for as long as I can remember.  I saw a guy on 50 Minutes tonight climbing mountains and saw this wiry 165 pound dude and thought where did he go.

I may not ever be 165 pounds again, and I may not even ever be able to ski and hike and feel young and strong and good again, but perhaps it is "don't go down without a fight" time.

Thank you again for getting this far with me.